My twentieth high school reunion is next month. My senior year I was voted Most Likely to Succeed. I guess that was because I’d never met a club or activity I didn’t try to lead. Yep, I was the nerdy yearbook editor.
Back then, I hustled. I actually believed I could be successful at whatever I tried. I always had at least one job. I took a full load of classes, volunteered and worked. I was a spit fire.
Next week after almost eight years as a stay-at-home mom, I’ll be out of a job. My girl is going to kindergarten. My heart is sad yet excited.
A few years ago, a long time friend told me that of all the people she knew, I was the last person she thought would stay home full-time. Me too. And yet, it is the best decision I’ve ever made. This time with my sweet babies has been the biggest blessing of my life. If I live to be one hundred, I have no doubt I will look back and this will be the highlight. I have zero regrets.
However, I have spent the last year trying to find my hustle, trying to figure out my next step. Can I be honest? For the first time in my life, I’ve not been successful. When you step out of line for eight years, no one holds your place. Especially when that place was fifty hour work weeks and constant travel.
I was always the girl people believed in. The person that got the job because it would be done and done well. But, I’m not that girl anymore, because back then I only cared about myself. And now, my world is bigger and that life no longer fits.
At age 8, 18, and 28 I definitively understood my gifts and abilities. I knew where I was going and what I was good at. At 38? Not so much. I do know I can craft a sharp hospital corner when making a bed. I’m pretty awesome at calming my crying children. I can clean up a peed in bed in three minutes. I’ve got my strengths. But, no one’s lining up to pay me for getting vomit out of a carseat.
I have fretted and worried and obsessed. But, in the quiet space of morning devotions, conversations with kind friends, and lots and lots of prayer, I’ve found a tiny bit of clarity.
I don’t need to hustle. I have the life I busted my tail for. No one cares what I do. I guess that’s the burden. Trying to define expectations when there are none. And so, at 38, my lesson is being at peace right where I am. I don’t need to be voted Most Successful. I don’t need to prove I’m smart, or driven, or enough.
I can rest in the space of gratitude. I can lean into this beautiful life. What a gift! And this uncertain space? Part sad. Part exciting. I just walk through it, like all those uncertain spaces before. Only this time, it’s pretty certain. No matter what, I still get to be a mom to two little people who think I’m awesome. And my gift? It is being right where I am, right in this moment. The measure of my success in not in what I’ve accomplished but in who I get to do this life with. And by that measure, I have succeeded.
April Driver 